Apr. 12th, 2007

mercurygrin: (Default)
[profile] filthymonkey posted a slew of (possibly rhetorical) questions that have troubled us for ages. Fortunately for him, and you all, I have the answers. So I am posting them here, so you may bask in my shinyness. 

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
-because the remote must obey its master. OBEY!

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
-Because they serve their own selfish needs, like little bitches.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Because secretly, we all think you're a liar. The stars are just too far away to test that theory.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
-Insult to injury. They should just fuck most of them in the neck til they die.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Because he was too young to grow one. And imaginary too.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
-If that revolver hit him in the neck it might paralyze him! (I'm going to hell.)

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-To hide the Doris Day wigs they are wearing underneath

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
-Your dirty whorish mother

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
-Because they didn't evolve FROM modern apes. But we did evolve from a common ancestor who looked more like an ape than a human. Most people don't understand high school biology or the mechanics of evolution, therefore, this misconception has developed. Therefore the real answer is, you are stupid, and shouldn't breed.


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-Because baby jesus wants it that way. And they're not white, they're clear, and act as a prism with a rainbow of delights to make you not smell like ass.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-I find you can always jew them down.  (sarcasm, o sweet sarcasm)

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
-Zool might leave some tasty treats behind, thats why

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
-Who cares, those fatties need the work out.

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-Your thumbs have not evolved enough to do it right, doy.

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-They crawled in while they were living.

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
-Because holding onto spite makes us human, and helps us justify leaving carts in the parking lot to roll into innocent people's vehicles. And old people.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
-Because you're a bumbling r-tard.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
-We secretly try to make those that live with us suffer.

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Because anyone that would marry you isn't sure who her father is anyway.

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mercurygrin

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